Wonder in Aliceland

I’m going to try and make this brief, because frankly, it’s not been the best of years for me, but looking back, I can see how far I’ve come.

2011 begins. I can’t remember how, so I’ll assume I was in bed.

It’s cold and icy. I cannot walk outside without hanging on to somebody’s arm.

Gradually the ice melts.

I try tai chi, and I try hypnotherapy, because there is Karen and she is well versed in both. They help. (Thank you, Karen.)

Gradually my confidence rebuilds.

Sampson passes away and we are all very sad. It is my first experience of bereavement.

Suddenly, it is April and the summer happens.

Happy, lazy weekends spent sharing food and company in a variety of gardens.

I continue with the hypnotherapy, tai chi, and physiotherapy, and oh so slowly my strength and confidence increases.

I’m getting better at walking. I can go out on my own again.

I occasionally visit the house in Canterbury which I am still paying for 1/3 of, but not as often as I’d like. I miss my friends when we are apart for weeks at a time.

I dabble in this and that, but not as much as I’d like. I paint a bit. I write a very little. I manage 3 poems all year, and they’re all a bit silly, but better than nothing.

I spend 2 weeks in a neurological rehabilitation facility in London. I surprise myself by doing things I thought I couldn’t. I meet some kind, brave people. I come out feeling ready to tackle university again.

I unexpectedly start having seizures, which knocks me swiftly off my perch again.

I spend a week in Devon, being rained on and unable to do much because everywhere is too steep. I watch riots on the streets of London, on the TV in our little holiday cottage. It’s worrying.

I watch the Tory government systematically dismantling the progress made over the past couple of decades, and that’s worrying too.

I try out a device that makes my foot lift by directly stimulating the appropriate muscles. It has real potential. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to use something similar long-term, and then I will be a cyborg, sort of, which would be cool.

I return to uni, after a year away, and start second year. I’m adjusting to new drugs, and new people, and living in a new place, and new levels of work, and I find myself struggling.

I win an art competition, connected to the hospital trust with whom I rehab’d. It’s the first time I’ve won something for a creative endeavour, and though it’s only a small thing, it gives me quite a boost.

I watch the Occupy movement growing. It’s a bit confused and vague in its aims, but there’s an air of positivity and a desire for change that gives me hope. It’s bigger than the riots were. I hope it achieves something.

I frequently go for walks all by myself, managing slopes and steps and carrying things. I make necessary phone calls. I talk to doctors. I do my laundry and I cook and I eat and clean up after myself, and I do most of the reading I’m supposed to, and I meet my deadlines, and I try to be sociable.

My family and friends and doctors and so on are very supportive, but uni is hard and I still feel quite lonely. There a bits of it that I enjoy, but mostly it’s just difficult. Still, I manage everything and make it through the term.

It’s good to be home.

I hope that the new year will bring better things. I hope that the knowledge of having made it through the autumn term will make the spring term less scary. I hope I’ll find the time and inspiration to write and paint and make music more often. I hope I’ll make new friends. I hope I’ll be able to have all the day-trips from uniland I plan to (seaside! New art gallery! Zoo!).

I hope the people I know and love who have also had a tough time of it this year will see better times ahead too.

Hm, this has turned out longer and sadder than I’d intended. I’ve sniffled my way through several tissues writing it. Oops. Sorry.

I’ll try and make the ending more cheerful – because the last week or so has been cheerful, and after all, there’s only one more sleep til Christmas.

I am very grateful to everybody who’s made an effort to help me through this year. I don’t think I’d feel ready to turn around and climb on to bigger and better things without everybody’s support and kindness; even the smallest examples of it have been most appreciated. Thank you. Just you watch, I’ll find a way to make you all proud, eventually.

I shall bid you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, and leave you with my 3 poems of 2011. I hope you enjoy them.

Love,

Alice

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Hypnotist

Dear Mr and/or Mrs hypnotist,
I am writing to request that I be fixed.
My main problem is that I know I can walk
but I sometimes don’t believe it,
and my legs decide not to cooperate
and I’m left there, wobbling, like a tit.
While you’re up there tinkering,
there are one or two other things
I’d like you to sort out.
The ability to shout would probably come in,
and I’d like to be able to sing where
people can hear, maintain eye contact
without discomfort and get rid of that
irrational arachnid fear of mine. If I could
make an official phone call without that wave
of cold-sweat anticipation,
it would be cause to call for celebration.
My concentration leaves a lot to be desired,
and I fear more confidence may be required
to improve my posture, tall and straight and shoulders back;
and to get my poetry career on track,
because nobody will publish you if
you make it seem like you don’t want them to.
About how long would that lot take?
How potent are your powers?
Well maybe just the walking, then
if you charge by the hour.

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Seaside Science Fiction

What a fine thing to be
reading sci-fi by the sea.
As the waves froth and tumble,
galactic empires crumble.

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The Internet Stalker’s Lament

All I wanted was your name,
but now I know too much

and I can never talk to you
for fear of slipping up,
revealing all my guilt and shame.

I know I shouldn’t try to lay the blame
on you, but with all that information
in the public domain,
what’s a girl to do?

And I can never talk to you
for fear of slipping up,
revealing all my guilt and shame and such.

All I wanted was your name,
but now I know too much.